I was once guilty of teetotaller shaming. Yes, there is such a thing. I’m sorry all you mineral drinkers out there who were victims of my ignorant past.

In the last few years I’ve gone through spells of eliminating alcohol from my diet. Not for any one reason, more for a combination of reasons. And don’t blame Glo for this. We’re singing off the same hymn sheet today. 

During my spells of sobriety, I unearthed all sorts of truths about living an alcohol-free life. The lies I was led to believe by…people…I don’t even know who exactly told me these lies…but I believed them. Myths and misconceptions about the alcohol-free people. 

Are you one of those people who feel intimidated by a person who doesn’t drink alcohol? Are you scared of them? There’s no need to be afraid anymore. None of what you’ve been told is true. Trust me, you’re gonna love me for this!

I’m here to help you and all the other alcohol lovers in the world. I’m here to show you how to continue enjoying your favourite tipple in the company of non-drinkers. I’m busting these myths for once and for all! And as an added bonus, I’ll advise you on what not to say to the girl sitting next to you; the one sipping away on her wee Fanta.

Myth no. 1

Sobriety is highly contagious.

I think it’s very important for drinkers to know that they can’t catch teetotalism. Sobriety is NOT contagious. It really isn’t. It is possible to communicate and hang out with a non-drinker without them passing their teetotalism onto you. Try not to display an expression of shock, fear, or horror when you realise someone at your table is not drinking…especially when this someone has been seen drinking alcohol in the past. 

 

It’s important that you breath through your nose, very gently. Tell yourself it’s okay….the non-drinker will not spread their sobriety to you or the others in the group. Nor will they hypnotise you, or try to force a bottle of Fanta down your throat. If it helps – as a last resort – you can pretend they’ve got a double vodka in their glass. 

Myth no. 2

The Fanta drinking girl who once enjoyed getting drunk, will never have fun again! What’s the point of her even going out anymore? 

I understand your concerns on this one, but I definitely think this is a myth. I’ve googled it several times, and nowhere does it say that the only way possible to have fun and enjoyment is by consuming alcohol. I came across an article that exposed certain individuals caught on CCTV having a fecking deadly time on Miwadi orange. One particular Miwadi addict was seen leaving a party in Mohill at 5am. 

I could suggest mindset changing exercises to eliminate this misconception from your thoughts. Some great apps out there to help with this. (No I won’t look these up for you, do it yourself please.)

Myth no. 3

The teetotaller is the most dangerous person at the party.

Okay….even I’ve never accused the Fanta girls of being dangerous. Although, I could never fully trust the Club Orange people!

Oh wait…you mean dangerous because she might see things she shouldn’t see? Does that mean that alcohol takes away one’s eyesight? Mmm……

Myth no. 4

You won’t enjoy your glass of wine unless everyone is having one.

Again, this is a lie we’ve been telling ourselves for years. If you’re sucking on a big fat lollipop, do you care if you’re the only one in the room having one? No, you couldn’t give a hoot because it tastes so delicious. You’re in a cafe and you’re the only one drinking tea; everyone else is high on coffee, does that make you enjoy your tea less? Have your wee drinkie if you want, and let Fanta Girl have her mineral! 

Myth no. 5

Only heavy drinkers need to give up drinking.

After some intensive research, I found this to be untrue. Anyone can give it up if they want to. Apparently it’s a lifestyle choice. A bit like giving up meat, or custard creams. Whatever floats your boat!

Now that you know the truth about all these teetotallers that roam our pubs in search of the next big mocktail, here’s a few tips on what you should avoid saying to the teetotaller. Just so everyone can enjoy themselves in peace! 

● “Why are you not drinking?”

This is always the first question I get asked when I’m high on Fanta. I asked Alexa, ‘Is Fanta a drink?’ She replied, ‘Yes, Fanta is drinkable liquid.’ Don’t be that person…..it’s silly! 

● “You’ll have a bigger hangover drinking those minerals.”

The most they’ll have is a bit of a headache if they overdo the fizzy drinks.

● “Are you alright?”

They’d be better if people would not assume they’re sick, pregnant, mentally ill, or a secret alcoholic. They actually don’t need sympathy…they don’t feel ashamed! 

● “Can you not relax?”

This one’s a bit confusing. I was wrecked after googling the answer to this. Apparently there are other ways of relaxing. So unless you notice a lot of fidgeting, twitching, beads of sweat forming on her forehead, shallow breathing, irritability, or nail biting, this is not a valid question to ask Fanta Girl. (Can’t comment on the Club Orange people – sorry.)

 

● “Life’s too short.”

For what exactly? Try not to worry about Fanta Girl’s quality of life. She probably knows what she’s doing. 

● “Will you leave me home?”

Eh…no!!