Saphirra’s Night

Saphirra wasn’t always the hostess with the mostess. She became the proper little expert at dinner party hosting when we had our first series of Come Dine With Me Please. I didn’t mind too much that she had a better party than me but Mohotma Coatalay was fit to be tied.

She tried everything in her power to ruin Saphirra’s big night. She’s very jealous of her you see. But Saphirra exceeded everyone’s expectations and walked away with the prize. Although I must point out that she did have a huge advantage – she was last to host her dinner party! She learned from all the mistakes made by myself (one or two) and Mohotma Coatalay (loads) so she knew exactly what she was up against!

Caminee attended as the guest diner that evening. She decided not to take part in our CDWM competitions, because she can’t cook very well so she wouldn’t have a hope in hell of winning. We don’t mind though because she’s a very kind person and often takes us out to fancy restaurants for dinner and insists on paying the bill.

Although Caminee is very wealthy, she doesn’t show off about it. But she doesn’t hide it either. She drinks Martini Prosecco on a week night and Taittinger at the weekend. When we’re in our local pub though, she has to settle for West Coast Cooler!

We love Caminee! She’s so elegant. Slender six foot figure, blonde hair styled to perfection, in a trendy spiky pixie cut and her make-up always flawless. (I’d say she gets botox to help things along.) Not that I’m judging her mind you. Nothing wrong with giving nature a wee helping hand! She made a fine living in her job as a glamour model back in the 80’s and we’re all very envious of her.

Caminee was very lucky in love. Her husband Rupert, is a retired investment banker and he did very well for himself down through the years. Aw, he’s a real gentleman! And he adores her. He didn’t approve of Caminee being a glamour model, which is ironic because he immediately fell in love with her when her sultry image first appeared in his favourite magazine, ‘Tickle Me Pink’. These days she works as a senior model for fashion catalogues.

Now…. because Saphirra was the last to host her dinner party in our previous dining competition – AND won – we insisted that she go first this time (in the hope that she doesn’t win).

Immediately, she lost points for neglecting to send out proper dinner party invitations. We received a text. I arrived early, just as Kumar and their six children were exiting the household. Saphirra always sends them packing when she’s entertaining her friends. Not really sure why!

My first thoughts when I entered the kitchen and dining area were, ‘I don’t wanna play anymore’. The theme was ‘American Diner’ and boy did it look the part! The yankie style table was neatly dressed with a red chequered table cloth and matching napkins.The menu was boldly propped up at the lower end of the table and Saphirra herself looked delightful, dressed in a red tee-shirt and a short black skirt. Her little half waist apron added a touch of sweetness to an otherwise smug persona. Yeah…. American waitress indeed. She sure did look the part! I wanted to choke her with the petite little neckerchief that dressed her neck! (Not really.) Top marks for presentation Saphirra.
I was offered a drink without delay and just as I was getting comfy, Saphirra’s Great Dane started going mental outside. Saphirra got a bit flustered because she said that it’s very unlike Barnabas to bark in such a manner.

Was there an intruder on the premises? Now Saphirra wished she hadn’t banned Kumar and the kids from the party. We both looked out the front room window for signs of any suspicious activity. Mohotma Coatalay’s car was parked in the driveway but where was she? Did the intruders jump her? Or kidnap her for a ransom, mistaken her for Caminee? All these ludicrous thoughts raced through my mind.

‘Oh please don’t take Mohotma Coatalay. Her husband won’t pay and we’ll never see her her again. Take Caminee……. I’ll show you where she lives. God be with Mohotma!’

We were quite worried and even thought about ringing the Garda Síochána, but they were miles away and it would take them ages to reach us.

Barnabas sounded threatened as his low-pitched growling and barking continued. Then the doorbell rang! Saphirra’s usual ding dong was replaced by a chiming tune of ‘Great Balls of Fire’. Goodness gracious! She actually got a new doorbell installed to blend in with her American Diner theme. What is she like?!

‘Great Balls of Fire’ chimed again and a loud knock swiftly followed. We both scuttled out into the hall and an eight foot broad figure cast a dark shadow over the glass panel door.
Saphirra gasped, ‘My God Tasheenga. Who the hell is out there?’

I pressed my face against the glass hoping for a clue. A pair of gigantic white hands lunged towards my face causing me to shriek with fright. At the same time, Mohotma Coatalay’s inharmonious laugh echoed through the letterbox. It was now clear to Saphirra and I that she was not at all in any danger. Saphirra opened the door and an overgrown Mickey Mouse bounced across the threshold.
An entrance to beat all entrances. Only from the Queen Bee herself! (I wished I had made an effort to dress up as something Americanny.) After performing a little dance for us, Mickey Mouse removed his head releasing a flushed Mohotma Coatalay out for some oxygen.

The dinner bell called us to the table for the starter, which consisted of barbeque spare ribs and a mozzarella salad. Impressive! (My ribs are better. Just saying.) High marks again. Mohotma Coatalay licked the plate, which means she has to give Saphirra top marks for her starter. (Unless licking plates is normal behaviour for her.)There’s only one person I know who can make homemade oven chips that are utterly succulent and that is Saphirra. She should get a Gordon Ramsay Recognition Award for her brilliance at turning the humble spud into such a scrumptious chip. The rib-eye steaks were cooked just as the guests ordered them – two medium and one rare. Juicy and flavoursome as expected from an efficient chef. We got more salad. I think Kumar grows lettuce in his garden.The dessert was the showstopper. Saphirra exceeded all our expectations with her home-made gin & lime cheesecake. I’m pretty sure she was nervous about dessert because at her last dinner party she served us melted ice-cream. It didn’t go down too well on the night and I had great fun slagging her about it. Hee hee!We always provide some light entertainment to our guests during our dining competitions. The more fun the better. Saphirra’s entertainment on this occasion was a game of Speak Out.

This is a game where the contestants have to wedge a silicone mouthpiece between their lips and teeth. While this prevents them from closing their mouths, they have to choose a phrase card from the deck and say the phrase coherently to their fellow players. More difficult than it sounds. By the end of a few rounds our jaws were aching so much – not only from sticking massive gadgets behind our lips but also from laughing so much.We chatted and laughed into the early hours. Mohotma Coatalay made several attempts to retire to her room, but she was still swigging from her wine bottle when I was leaving at 2.30am – and Saphirra was talking to Mickey Mouse’s head.

She did it again. She’s a hard gal to beat at this game and I’m worried. How will I top this?

Next to entertain in the competition is Mohotma Coatalay. I received my invitation a few days ago. I’m very excited I must say, because it is to be a murder mystery dinner party. I’ve always wanted to take part in a murder mystery event. Yippee! I can’t wait 😊

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My Invitation

You have been invited to take part in a
Murder mystery dinner party.
YOU ARE TO TAKE THE PART OF:
Rupert de la Rochefour

Three small hints
– Try to dress in an appropriate costume
– Try to arrive on time
– Try to stay in character

The suspects are:
Ebenezer Halliday – a self-made American millionaire and the father of the murdered woman. Loud and brash.
Costume suggestion: Full evening dress – black tie.

Count de la Rochfour – A French nobleman with a reputation as a lady-killer. Suave and charming
Costume suggestion: Evening dress but with a flashy waistcoat.

Jane Mason – The cockney maid of the murdered woman. Humble
Costume suggestion: Maids uniform

Rupert Carrington: The husband of the murdered woman. A playboy gambler, formerly a Guards Officer. Suave and snobbish.
Costume suggestion: Dashing military uniform

Alex Simpson – A Scottish engineer. Quiet and shy.
Costume suggestion: A single breasted lounge suit with sober tie.

Lady Swansea – A wealthy socialite and hostess. Proud and very snobbish.
Costume suggestion: Evening dress with pearls.

Marie Mignon – A renowned French beauty, the companion of Count de la Rochefour. Glamorous.
Costume suggestion: Black dress, rather more racy than it should be.

Jessica Lyle – American half-sister of the murdered woman. Brash and aggressive
Costume suggestion: A faded evening dress that has seen slightly better days.