You know when you get new clothes, and you can’t wait to wear them? I was like that this week with my new Christmas clothes. I didn’t get to have a night out in them, so I asked my friends from the West on a night out. Friday night in our favourite pub, Hammersons!

It’s time I introduced you to my Westie friends, Taika, Mathilde and Vitoria. As you all know, I seem to be attracted to foreigners. I find them very interesting and educational and I find it easy to make friends with them. Stephano says I just love collecting foreign friends as if they’ll be worth money some day…..y’know like stamps or something. But I just ignore him – he thinks he’s funny!

Taika is from Russia and has travelled the world more than anyone I know. I’m surprised she even remembers what nationality she is at this stage! She’s a girl of many talents and professions.

She trained as a hairdresser when she lived in New York, an architect when she was in Switzerland, a chef when she was in Paris and an artist when……actually she was born an artist! I met her in Enniscrone at pottery classes. She taught me everything I know about clay and acrylic paint. There’s nothing this girl can’t make. Just give her a tub of glue and a few scraps of whatever’s in the bin and she’ll craft up something wonderful out of it!

Taika’s childhood sweetheart Lavrenty, followed her from Russia to the West of Ireland and this is where they remain, living in harmony with their little Russian babies!

Mathilde is French and she married an Irish buckaroo called Rupert. They met and fell in love at the Olympics in Beijing in 2008. Mathilde was a gymnast; especially good on anything that involved ropes. Rupert played table tennis; very skillfully apparently!

However, neither of them won anything that particular year. But they did win each other’s hearts and after a two year courtship in Bordeaux, Mathilde gave up her ropes and Rupert gave up his balls and they set up home in Mayo. (I’m pretty sure they still play rope games and table tennis though.)

Mathilde loves children. Every time I see her she has about eight children with her who are not her own…..along with her own! She works hard as a personal trainer for some of the rugby players down at the gym. She loovvees her job!

One day Mathilde and I were having a lovely walk on the beach when we happened upon a lovely lady gathering stones. We got chatting – as you do in Ireland; nobody’s a stranger – and we found out that she’s a friend of Taika’s. We were very surprised because we thought Taika had no other friends, and we wondered why she never mentioned Vitoria before! Very secretive.

Now, Vitoria has an air of mystery to her. We still don’t know everything about her except that she’s Italian and she collects pebbles. She writes lovely little messages on them you see, and paints them lovely colours. Then she sells them at Bazaars and places like that!

Vitoria is married to a Swedish man called Elton. We don’t really know what he does. Taika says he works in Dunnes Stores as head of security or something, but I’m convinced he’s involved in the secret service in some way.

One day I seen him in town dressed very like Inch High Private Eye (he’s much taller than Inch Eye though) and he was carrying a brief case. But it wasn’t an ordinary briefcase; it was quite superior looking and possibly had ‘gadgets’ in it.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I think that Vitoria might actually be involved in all that kinda thing too. She may even be a spy for the Russians and that’s how she’s so friendly with Taika. Dunnes Stores my arse! I think Mathilde and I should be careful. Well…you just don’t know!

Now, back to last night and me inviting them all out to Hammersons for drinks. Didn’t really work out! Taika was all up for it as she usually is. She went to the eye brow technician on her way home from work to get her brows touched up. We’re always telling Taika to wear her glasses EVERYWHERE because she’s as blind as a bat without them.

Head technician was off with the flu and trainee technician took on the job. Taika checked out her freshly made brows in the mirror; ‘Yes, fab. Thank you!’ Paid up and left quickly, as she was in a hurry to get home. Three wee Russians to feed before she goes out! When she arrived home, Lavrenty asked her why she had two left eyebrows.

She went mental when she saw what the trainee did to her brows. They actually looked like two left eye brows and they were super dee duper HD. She tried to rub them off but she only made them ten times worse. She stayed at home.

Vitoria couldn’t come either because she has family over from Italy and she was cooking them a nice meal – all nineteen of them!

Mathilde was already going out with some people she knows from the gym, but she said she’d meet me later.

Stephano and I headed out and the night was going well. Music man was singing away on the wee stage and the Guinness was good. I was all delighted getting out in my lovely new skirt and top – Hand Wash Only! Stephano’s friend came in and they chatted away leaving me sitting like a lemon.

Then this fella sat beside me and told me his life story. He had a right few pints in him and I’m guessing he had a wee smoke of something too before he left the house! He wasn’t chatting me up or anything funny. He was only in his twenties and wasn’t looking for a woman, but I think he was a bit of a lost soul. The more he drank the more he talked and the more I drank, the more I wanted to hear.

I kept checking my phone to see if Mathilde was on her way. After midnight I put it in my bag assuming she was having better craic with her gym buddies.

The pub was full of American tourists and they all thought the singer was only fantastic – which he was – and before they left they all wanted their photo taken with him. Seriously, there was about twenty of them and the stage in this pub is tiny.

A good Samaritan girl sitting at the table next to us decided to help them out and take the photo for them. There was so many of them she was having trouble getting them all in. She stepped back a bit, she held the phone high up above her head, she stepped back another bit, she laughed, they all laughed. She went left, she went right and then she stepped back some more…too far…her butt collided with our table and the next thing I knew, I was swimming in pints of Guinness. My lovely new clothes…ruined!

I was fit to be tied! Sure God love her, she was very apologetic, and I smiled and told her I was grand… fine… okay! I was drenched. And my last glass of Guinness…gone! Coat and hat on, and out the door with me. And sure who did I meet on the bridge full of the joys on her way in to me?? Mathilde. Yep… herself and Rupert were only getting started.

I could have cried at that point. I was seriously tempted to go back into the pub with them, but I was soaking wet and freezing. Stephano took me home!

And the moral of this story is……When you see a good Samaritan taking photos of twenty Americans, run a mile if you’re wearing your new hand wash only clothes!